"Remember when your dog ate all my goldfish and you lied and said I never had any goldfish? Well, why did I have the bowl Bart?  Why did I have the bowl?" - Milhouse (from the Simpsons)
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"Reflect on your present blessings, of which every man has many; not on your past misfortunes, of which all men have some." --Charles Dickens
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"People will buy anything that is one to a customer." --Sinclair Lewis
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"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." --Socrates
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"It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err." --Mahatma Gandhi
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"Insanity in individuals is something rare - but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule." --Friedrich Nietzsche
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"Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself." --Friedrich Nietzsche
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"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream by night." --Edgar Allan Poe
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"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun." --Al Capone
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"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?" --George Carlin
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"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper." --Jerry Seinfeld
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"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." --Hunter S. Thompson
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"Once I was young and had so much more orientation and could talk with nervous intelligence about everything and with clarity and without as much literary preambling as this; in other words this is the story of an unself-confident man, at the same time of an egomaniac, naturally, facetious won't do -- just to start at the beginning and let the truth seep out..." Jack Kerouac
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"Silly customer. You cannot hurt twinky." --Apu
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"Me fail English.  That's unpossible." --Ralf Wigam
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"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most" --Ozzy Osbourne
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"The customer is usually right" --Jimmy John's ad
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"I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, but I can't prove it." --anonymous
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"Today is a good day for information-gathering. Read someone else's email."  --anonymous
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"I'm not under the alkafuence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.  It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get." --anonymous
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"When in trouble or in doubt,
run in circles, scream and shout." --anonymous
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"Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts -- for support rather than illumination." --anonymous
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"Experience, n:
	Something you don't get until just after you need it." --Oliver
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"Needs are a function of what other people have." --anonymous
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"I drank what?" --Val Kilmer quoting Socrates
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"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means that it's going to be up all night." --Steven Wright
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"Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't make you live longer -- it just seems that way." --anonymous
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"Those who think they know everything, anger us who do" --Jack Hammer
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"A day without sunshine is like night." --anonymous
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"Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse." --Arthur Baer
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"
  .~.
  /V\
 // \\
/(   )\
 ^'~'^
"
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"My computer crashes too" --Bill Gates
"Mine doesn't" --Linux user
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"Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advanvement." --Snoopy
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"I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty." --anonymous
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"I've never went to bed with an ugly woman, but I sure have woke up with a few." --anonymous
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"Why are you so hard to ignore?" --anonymous
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"The most dangerous food is wedding cake." --anonymous
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"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." --Hector Berlioz
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"It's not that ed isn't user-friendly.  Ed is activly user hostile." --anonymous